When you go through a breakup, and you no longer have your mother’s arms to comfort you

Lying in bed between my two kids, but I’m the one who feels like a child these days.

I haven’t had my mothers embrace for fourteen years now. Fourteen years is a long time to have not felt loved. Sure, others can love you, and you can love yourself, but no one loves you like your Mother. At least no one loved like you did Mom.

And when that kind of love one day is gone, you spend the rest of your life trying to find someone, or something to fill that void. If you’re lucky enough, you might find someone to fill it. But just as quickly as her last breath before she was gone, so too can be that person who came into your life and made you feel loved.

What hurts more, having love taken away from you, or having someone choose to take their love away from you?

Problem is when that person does walk away from you, despite all your years of therapy, and all of your self-love techniques, and all the ways you think you are stronger, you still feel broken.

You don’t have your mother to tell you how great you are, and how you deserve to be loved the way she and God loves you.

Maybe I depended too much on my mother’s love. Maybe I should have found it within myself. I swear I did. I swear being a child, that I felt like I was enough. Even when I was bullied in my younger years, I still felt like I was enough. But maybe that’s because you were there. It wasn’t until after you left Mom, that I forgot I was enough.

It wasn’t until yotu were taken from me, that I let myself find people and things to be the cure for missing you. But none of if was enough, ever. That hole you left in my heart when you went away was temporarily filled. Problem is those temporary fills always cracked and damaged the foundation of my heart more, and now I’m dealing with a even bigger hole.

I know you held on for as long as you could Mom. Was it for these moments? Not the Graduations, or the weddings or the childbirths. Did you hold on for these moments, when you knew I would feel so lost and broken and would need you. When I would need you to put your arms around me, swaying me back and fourth, wiping my tears away and singing “you are my sunshine.”?

Now that I am a mother myself, I can almost guarantee Mom, that that is why you held on for so long. For these moments.

I have you to thank. That I am stronger than most. I am my mother’s daughter, and therefore strong by default. Everyone always tells me as much anyways.

But would they still think I was so strong if they knew? If they knew I am still just a lost kid, wanting my mother to hold me and make it all better. Wanting to lay against her chest, and listen to the beating of her heart. Knowing that I am safe, and that I am loved, and that I am enough.